Part lecture, part classified ad, but all-American, this Craigslist post out of McKinney, Texas has made the viral rounds of the internet and drawn the usual reactions: shock, adoration, and, we imagine, a bombardment of emails to the poster.

This guy might have a chance.

Though his post is no longer live on the Interwebz, its immortalized words can be found here, there, and everywhere if you simply search “badass Jeep craigslist” in Google. But we’re not here to simply provide you with a copy-pasted transcript of its contents, no sir; we are here to provide analysis!

First and foremost, it should be noted that the owner cares deeply about who he hands the keys to when the time comes for the exchange. In his eyes, a limp-wristed, clammy hand gripping a bulging wad of hundreds is still a limp-wristed, clammy hand. It simply won’t do to have the Wrangler be controlled by a sissy, “Pajama party Barbie Jeep” loser.

Those unfamiliar with a manual transmission need not apply either, as they will get “hit in the face with a piece of re-bar and sent back where [they] came from.” Ouch. Evidently, the green exterior belies a “tungsten” composition, a claim that fittingly demands a similar criterion from the gonads of the future owner if he is to ever set foot inside it.

Clint has better odds.

It’s not all about proving yourself to be the real King Arthur to this Excalibur of a Jeep, however; owning said Jeep will also open you up to a wide list of perks and benefits. Included are the following: “9. Wire bristled toothbrush 14. Not giving a damn 15. Flesh turning to steel 18. Better looking wives 19. Better looking mistresses 25. Wife takes out the trash 28. Wife stops bitching about clothes on the floor 29. Wife stocks fridge with beer…” and so on and so forth.

We hope all these things and more happened, or will happen, to whomever next calls this Jeep their own. In the meantime, however, we’ll just have to imagine what taking care of a T-Rex (#4 on the list) entails.