Reddit is one of those sites that eventually becomes a timesuck. Like Chive or Facebook, the ease of going through pages and and finding interesting things is remarkable. One subreddit I found this week was /r/whowouldwin, a subreddit built around ridiculous yet fatal battles between bizarre participants.
Top posts on the subreddit reflect the overall silly theme, whether it’s an ancient Roman legion battling a horde of Lord of the Rings orcs, or a version of the Hulk where the comic book character is slippery instead of strong.
One recent post that garnered lots of attention was equal parts head-scratching, ludicrous, and harrowing. It was this post, pitting four Adderall-affected men with indestructible shovels against a Jeep Wrangler.
The catch? Get this – the Wrangler has an IQ of 5,000. Discounting that IQ testing becomes speculative past a certain point, the mental prowess of this imaginary 4×4 would be something to behold. It’s just a shame that it wants to hurt humans, and therefore, must be defeated.
Outsmarting it certainly seems impossible. But is it? Reddit users had several theories, and they are all worth a read when you get the chance. Still, there are a few included here.
Forgoing the absurdity that such an IQ is hardly measurable, let alone the complexities of how a Jeep with ultra-genius intellect could even exist, it’s a fun thought experiment. Several fellow Redditors thought so too, and decided to join in with some hilarious commentary.
Now, every scenario posted to WhoWouldWin has to have at least some semblance of rules. In this particular case, the rules dictated a 490 square-foot, soft-dirt arena with iron walls. The four dudes are not allowed to enter the Jeep or pierce its tires, but they are allowed to beat on it or try and flip it over, in which case, the men win. The Jeep, on the other hand, simply has to kill the puny humans. Also, the men get a 30-minute head start before the Wrangler is air-dropped into the arena.
There are a few more rules, but you get the gist: the men must defeat Jeep using shovels and normal smarts, or the Jeep must defeat men using horsepower and extreme smarts. So, how does this scenario play out?
The top response suggested that the men, if they knew exactly where the Jeep was to land, would be able to dig out a two-meter-deep hole and wait for the Jeep to drop into it and be trapped. Alternatively, if they didn’t know where the Jeep would land, then the Jeep would win the day and the guys would all die.
An even simpler suggestion was to have the four men stand where the Jeep was getting lowered. Once it got low enough, the men would hold up one end of the Jeep as the other end tilted downward, making it easier to flip.
Yet another suggestion was that with its unfathomable level of intelligence, the Jeep would “recognize the utter futility and horror of existence” and let the humans pummel it into the “sweet, sweet embrace of oblivion.”
But by far the best response was the one posted by legendaryBuffoon. He posited that the Jeep would rev its V6 to the point that it would match the resonant frequency of the iron walls, causing the arena to shake violently and disorient the dudes.
It would then use its horn at the frequency that “causes human eardrums to rupture, stunning and debilitating the already disoriented humans.” Three of the guys are killed off immediately, leaving the fourth to be slowly driven insane by weeks and months of seeing nothing but a parked Jeep in front of him. He ultimately dies from a stroke, and the Jeep shorts itself, its mission accomplished.
Who do you think would win? Drop down and leave a comment below.